Do you ever look around at your life and think, when did this stop feeling like mine? Maybe nothing is wrong, exactly. The house is quieter. The roles that used to fill your days don't fit the way they did. And someone asks, "So what's next for you?" and you don't know what to say.

I know that feeling, because I've been there.

The season I didn't recognize my life

For years, my husband and I planned to live on a sailboat. It happened sooner than I expected. The kids had left home, and it felt like the right time to go.

And it was. I felt more free and more happy than I had in a long time.

What I didn’t have was a plan to keep the dream going. Life happened. Some health-related things changed our plans, and we didn’t get to live aboard and travel as long as we’d hoped. Then came the conversation about selling the boat. Our floating home. That one was devastating.

I’d already left my 18-year government career. We’d already sold the house. The kids were grown. And now the adventure we’d worked so long for, and loved so much, was ending too.

I’d started freelancing, which was a blessing, but I was floundering. The career, the house and the kids at home were behind me, and now our life on the water was too. Who was I without all of it?

You don't have to lose everything at once to feel this way. Losing a career identity, a full house or a plan that quietly changed without asking is enough. So is a full life on paper with an emptiness you can't explain.

Why the big question doesn't work

When you feel lost, the question everyone reaches for is, "What do I want my next chapter to be?"

I tried that one. I'd stare at it, feel a little panicky and close the notebook. After years at the bottom of your own list or when facing difficult decisions, that's just too big a place to start.

Smaller questions open the door. They don't ask you to have it all figured out. They just ask you to notice one true thing.

How I use these questions

I'll be honest: I don't journal every day. I write when I'm overwhelmed, lost or stuck. When I want a change but don't know how to make it happen.

Here's all it takes:

• Pick one question. Just one.

• Write without a plan. Get what's on your mind out of your head and onto the page.

• Read it back and see what the words show you.

Go at your own pace. There are no wrong answers, and no one is grading your work.

15 questions to ask yourself when you don't recognize your life anymore

What I'm carrying

1. What am I still carrying that I never chose?

2. Which "yes" do I keep saying because someone has to?

3. Whose expectations am I still living by?

4. What would I put down this week if no one noticed?

Who I was before

5. When did I last feel like me? What was I doing?

6. What did I love before everyone needed me?

7. What have I stopped saying out loud?

8. What do I miss that nobody else would guess?

What doesn't fit anymore

9. Which roles still fit, and which am I wearing out of habit?

10. What in my home belongs to a version of me I'm not anymore? (If this one stirs something up, my post on letting go of sentimental items might help.)

11. What am I keeping "just in case"?

12. What "should" can I let go of?

What I want now

13. How do I want to feel this week, and what's one thing I'll do to make that happen?

14. What's one small thing I'd like just for me?

15. What would I try if I didn't have to explain it to anyone?

A few of my own answers

13. How do I want to feel this week? Excited, and patient. The first printed proof of the journal I've been working on for six months is on its way. I'm letting the excitement carry me, and trying not to refresh the tracking page every hour.

5. When did I last feel like me? Honestly, it was living on our sailboat. I felt so happy and free. I didn’t just see the water every day, I could hear it too, lapping against the hull. I was living my dream.

9. Which roles am I wearing out of habit? Trying to fix things for my kids. They’re adults now, and they need to learn their own life lessons. So I’m practicing being supportive and then stepping back. I still give my unsolicited advice (old habits!), but then I let go and see what happens, holding my breath and praying they’ll be okay. No one wants to watch their kids struggle. But sometimes they have to figure it out on their own.

What to do with your answers

You don't need the whole plan to have a preference. Circle one thing you wrote that surprised you, or that felt true. Then take one small step toward it this week.

That's it. One question, one true thing, one small step. That's how you start to recognize your life again.

If you'd like a place to start, my free Reclaiming Slip has five more journal prompts with space to write. Get your free Reclaiming Slip now.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to feel lost in midlife?

It's a very common feeling, especially after a big change like an empty nest, leaving a career or a plan that didn't work out. Feeling lost doesn't mean something is wrong with you. Often it means the life you built fit an earlier version of you.

What if I don't know the answers to these questions?

That's okay. "I don't know" is an answer too. Write it down, then write what you'd guess if you had to. The guess usually tells you something.

Do I have to journal every day for this to help?

No. I don't. Pick up a question when you feel overwhelmed, stuck or unsure what you want. One honest page can be enough to help you see what's next.

Where should I start?

Start with whichever question made you pause when you read it. If none did, try #1: "What am I still carrying that I never chose?"

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